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Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Being alone with my thoughts!

I feel sad. I feel alone. I feel like I wanna talk, but cant sometimes. 

Alot goes through my mind on a daily basis, I think about everything all the time. 

One thing that I keep thinking about is my Nana. I miss her so much and everyday when she pops into my head, as something happens to remind me of her, I remember the fact that she wont ever see my become a mum. She wont see me married. She wont see me finish at college and make something of my life. She is the one and only reason that college is still happening for me. I will make her proud, even though she cant be here to see it. She wanted so much for me and my sister Stephanie, and I feel like we left it a little late sometimes, and fucked about a bit much. If I went into education when I was younger, she may have seen me finish. If my fucked up body worked like a normal woman then she would have seen me become a mother. If I would have kept my wedding date as 2009 I would have been married! I get so angry at myself and angry at the fact that I need help to make a baby (if it works) instead of it happening naturally.



I miss her so much, it really hurts. I think about talking to her all the time, and giving her all the gossip, listening to what she has to say. I miss her phoning me and making sure I am okay. I miss her sending me things through my mum, that she bought for me when she was out shopping. I miss her voice. I miss her advice. I miss having her in my life. 

She was so important to me, meant the world to me. She still does. I just miss being able to make new memories with her. I hate thinking that she is dead. I hate that her house will be sold and I will never be in there again talking to her. Her house was the place where we grew up and have all the memories. Its the house that she died in. Its the house that my Granda died in. 

People always say they wish they could turn back time. I wish that just now. I want it to be when I was 16, and she took me in her arms, cuddled me tight, whilst we both cried, and said I need you to change your life, make something of it. You need to come stay with me. I moved in after that and my life was better. I owe everything to her, and I wish that I could have been there when she died. I wish I could have helped her, although there wouldnt have been a chance to as it happened so quick. 

So many wishes, so many thoughts. Through tears just now I feel sad, but i know she would just laugh at me and dont be daft and stop crying, if she could see me. 

I done stupid things in the past, things she hated, but I know that she loved me and Stephanie. We were the ones in the family that she was proud of. We had jobs, money, houses, we are drug free, and dont need crime to make money. We were the normal ones and she loved us. I hope she can see us now, both trying so hard to make something of our lives. I am doing this for you Nana. I love you and miss you so much. Bon Nuit x


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