Been a while

Been a while since I came on here to chat. Well since I have been on, not alot has happened. Christmas has been and gone thank god!

I don't like Christmas as I don't think its anything to look forward to anymore. i think about all the people who aren't here etc, like my Nana and my Granda, and it makes me sad. We didn't do much on Xmas day, just watched some TV and had a nice dinner. 

The cats been doing alot better this week, with her leg healing really well. Glad shes getting better and back to her old self again! Another week or two of treatment and she should be totally healed :)

What else has been happening .... not really that much. But I have felt down quite alot! Don't always know why, just know there are things on my mind and it gets me down. 

Feel like our IVF is so close to starting, and it scares me a wee bit. Scares me because there is a high chance it wont work and I cant even imagine the feeling that is going to come if that's the case. 

There's also the fear that it does work but what if I am not a good mum, like I imagine that I want to be. I do know I will try my best every single day to make my baby happy.

Another fear is Campbell. I don't know if he wants this as much as me, I know hes scared, as its a BIG responsibility for both of us. But I know if I had to postpone it or cancel it, that it would not only break my heart, but shatter it into a million pieces.

I want to be a mum so much it hurts.

I wish that it could be easy for me to make that happen, like almost everyone else. Buts its not. I will appreciate my baby so much more than people who just fall pregnant. I have had to wait, and i am still waiting. He or she will be worth the wait. I know that.

Keep thinking about my Nana alot just now. I miss her so much and it feels really fresh in my mind again, her dying. I wish that I was at home when it happened. I wish that I wasn't in Ibiza. But at the same time, I know my Nana would not have wanted me and Stephanie to find her, as she seen what it done to us finding our Granda. 

Why is it so fresh in my mind all of a sudden? I don't know. Maybe the fact that i feel that alot of things are changing in my life and I want to tell her. I want to speak to her and tell her I miss her. But i accept that its not going to happen.

Last night I cried myself to sleep, without Campbell knowing, as it hit me, that I wont hear my Nana's voice ever again. 

January could bring some happy times. But it could also bring the worst times.

I know I need to stay positive. I want this baby so much.