Monday 20th February 2012

I am writing this on the wednesday after as I couldnt face it.

Monday was my wonderful Nana's birthday (Joyeux Anniversaire) Monday was a really sad day for me, and I cried a couple times, just missing her in general and because I want to speak to her.

Not going to say much on the subject, would rather just speak to Campbell about it and get lots of cuddles to make me feel better. Just wanted to mention my Nana, she will never be forgotten and is my inspiration in life.

Love you Nana. RIP. Bon Nuit xx

Helene' "Anna" Maxwell x

Second Appointment Moved!!

So, our appointment is meant to be the 23rd January to find out dates of when the treatment will be starting and also to find out blood results. We have had to move this, unfortunately to the 6th Feb as I have an exam that day for my accounts class.

I actually don't mind too much, as I seemed to have found patience somehow, in this process. I think the patience has come from me being forced to wait for the treatment and there was nothing that I could have done to hurry the process along. Having to wait two years, has made me think, moving an appointment back a couple weeks isn't that much of a big deal anymore. 

I think its also because I feel positive about our treatment and hoping that I am correct, that the outcome will be that I am pregnant and in nine months time we will be parents. I think about it everyday, and although it sometimes scares me how much life will change, it also excites me. I am excited about going through everything, even the labour, and the night feeds lol.

So, February is going to be a good month as there is a few appointments/events happening. 

• 2nd Feb - Hypnotherapy Appointment
• 4th Feb - My 26th Birthday (getting old) and also my Granda's birthday xx
• 6th Feb - Newly arranged hospital appointment
• 14th Feb - Valentines Day <3
• 20th Feb - My Nana's birthday xx

My hypnotherapy appointment is to look at my eating habits etc. More will be explained after I have the first appointment.

My 26th birthday is a night out for dinner and then to the theatre to see Peter Powers! Will be a laugh.

6th Feb is results time and find out dates.

14th Feb is Valentines Day. I love this date! I love it because I have a very thoughtful and romantic partner. He is good at presents and cards, and doesn't follow the stereotypical presents, which i love as I love being different from everyone! No red roses for me :) 

My Nana's birthday is the 20th Feb, and although she isn't here, she will be thought about alot on this day, and every other day. I miss her so much xx

Will update very soon about February events :) xx

Been a while

Been a while since I came on here to chat. Well since I have been on, not alot has happened. Christmas has been and gone thank god!

I don't like Christmas as I don't think its anything to look forward to anymore. i think about all the people who aren't here etc, like my Nana and my Granda, and it makes me sad. We didn't do much on Xmas day, just watched some TV and had a nice dinner. 

The cats been doing alot better this week, with her leg healing really well. Glad shes getting better and back to her old self again! Another week or two of treatment and she should be totally healed :)

What else has been happening .... not really that much. But I have felt down quite alot! Don't always know why, just know there are things on my mind and it gets me down. 

Feel like our IVF is so close to starting, and it scares me a wee bit. Scares me because there is a high chance it wont work and I cant even imagine the feeling that is going to come if that's the case. 

There's also the fear that it does work but what if I am not a good mum, like I imagine that I want to be. I do know I will try my best every single day to make my baby happy.

Another fear is Campbell. I don't know if he wants this as much as me, I know hes scared, as its a BIG responsibility for both of us. But I know if I had to postpone it or cancel it, that it would not only break my heart, but shatter it into a million pieces.

I want to be a mum so much it hurts.

I wish that it could be easy for me to make that happen, like almost everyone else. Buts its not. I will appreciate my baby so much more than people who just fall pregnant. I have had to wait, and i am still waiting. He or she will be worth the wait. I know that.

Keep thinking about my Nana alot just now. I miss her so much and it feels really fresh in my mind again, her dying. I wish that I was at home when it happened. I wish that I wasn't in Ibiza. But at the same time, I know my Nana would not have wanted me and Stephanie to find her, as she seen what it done to us finding our Granda. 

Why is it so fresh in my mind all of a sudden? I don't know. Maybe the fact that i feel that alot of things are changing in my life and I want to tell her. I want to speak to her and tell her I miss her. But i accept that its not going to happen.

Last night I cried myself to sleep, without Campbell knowing, as it hit me, that I wont hear my Nana's voice ever again. 

January could bring some happy times. But it could also bring the worst times.

I know I need to stay positive. I want this baby so much.

Being alone with my thoughts!

I feel sad. I feel alone. I feel like I wanna talk, but cant sometimes. 

Alot goes through my mind on a daily basis, I think about everything all the time. 

One thing that I keep thinking about is my Nana. I miss her so much and everyday when she pops into my head, as something happens to remind me of her, I remember the fact that she wont ever see my become a mum. She wont see me married. She wont see me finish at college and make something of my life. She is the one and only reason that college is still happening for me. I will make her proud, even though she cant be here to see it. She wanted so much for me and my sister Stephanie, and I feel like we left it a little late sometimes, and fucked about a bit much. If I went into education when I was younger, she may have seen me finish. If my fucked up body worked like a normal woman then she would have seen me become a mother. If I would have kept my wedding date as 2009 I would have been married! I get so angry at myself and angry at the fact that I need help to make a baby (if it works) instead of it happening naturally.

I miss her so much, it really hurts. I think about talking to her all the time, and giving her all the gossip, listening to what she has to say. I miss her phoning me and making sure I am okay. I miss her sending me things through my mum, that she bought for me when she was out shopping. I miss her voice. I miss her advice. I miss having her in my life. 

She was so important to me, meant the world to me. She still does. I just miss being able to make new memories with her. I hate thinking that she is dead. I hate that her house will be sold and I will never be in there again talking to her. Her house was the place where we grew up and have all the memories. Its the house that she died in. Its the house that my Granda died in. 

People always say they wish they could turn back time. I wish that just now. I want it to be when I was 16, and she took me in her arms, cuddled me tight, whilst we both cried, and said I need you to change your life, make something of it. You need to come stay with me. I moved in after that and my life was better. I owe everything to her, and I wish that I could have been there when she died. I wish I could have helped her, although there wouldnt have been a chance to as it happened so quick. 

So many wishes, so many thoughts. Through tears just now I feel sad, but i know she would just laugh at me and dont be daft and stop crying, if she could see me. 

I done stupid things in the past, things she hated, but I know that she loved me and Stephanie. We were the ones in the family that she was proud of. We had jobs, money, houses, we are drug free, and dont need crime to make money. We were the normal ones and she loved us. I hope she can see us now, both trying so hard to make something of our lives. I am doing this for you Nana. I love you and miss you so much. Bon Nuit x