Been a while

Been a while since I came on here to chat. Well since I have been on, not alot has happened. Christmas has been and gone thank god!

I don't like Christmas as I don't think its anything to look forward to anymore. i think about all the people who aren't here etc, like my Nana and my Granda, and it makes me sad. We didn't do much on Xmas day, just watched some TV and had a nice dinner. 

The cats been doing alot better this week, with her leg healing really well. Glad shes getting better and back to her old self again! Another week or two of treatment and she should be totally healed :)

What else has been happening .... not really that much. But I have felt down quite alot! Don't always know why, just know there are things on my mind and it gets me down. 

Feel like our IVF is so close to starting, and it scares me a wee bit. Scares me because there is a high chance it wont work and I cant even imagine the feeling that is going to come if that's the case. 

There's also the fear that it does work but what if I am not a good mum, like I imagine that I want to be. I do know I will try my best every single day to make my baby happy.

Another fear is Campbell. I don't know if he wants this as much as me, I know hes scared, as its a BIG responsibility for both of us. But I know if I had to postpone it or cancel it, that it would not only break my heart, but shatter it into a million pieces.

I want to be a mum so much it hurts.

I wish that it could be easy for me to make that happen, like almost everyone else. Buts its not. I will appreciate my baby so much more than people who just fall pregnant. I have had to wait, and i am still waiting. He or she will be worth the wait. I know that.

Keep thinking about my Nana alot just now. I miss her so much and it feels really fresh in my mind again, her dying. I wish that I was at home when it happened. I wish that I wasn't in Ibiza. But at the same time, I know my Nana would not have wanted me and Stephanie to find her, as she seen what it done to us finding our Granda. 

Why is it so fresh in my mind all of a sudden? I don't know. Maybe the fact that i feel that alot of things are changing in my life and I want to tell her. I want to speak to her and tell her I miss her. But i accept that its not going to happen.

Last night I cried myself to sleep, without Campbell knowing, as it hit me, that I wont hear my Nana's voice ever again. 

January could bring some happy times. But it could also bring the worst times.

I know I need to stay positive. I want this baby so much.

Tears ! Fears ! More Tears

So today is the day my October period should be here. Still haven't had one since July. I think its made me moody and very emotional. 

The past couple of days, all i have done is cry and cry. I feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders, and it doesn't help that Campbell will be unemployed as of this Friday. This scares me. I am scared he will be fed up, as he likes working. I am scared that he will find a job that isn't in Glasgow, and will have to move away. I don't know what would happen to our relationship. I don't know what would happen to me. The last time he went on a business trip to Vermont in Amercia for a week, I was a mess. I could hardly sleep, cried alot and felt like i spent the week waiting by my phone hoping for a call. Lucky for me he called alot, but I still just couldn't wait till he was home. 

Our IVF is due about now, just waiting to hear from the clinic now. The last time we heard was September and it was on schedule, so I thinking it will come this week or the next. It terrifies me that Campbell might want to cancel the IVF treatment due to the job situation. Its a sensible idea, course it is, but what if we put it off and a few weeks later he has a job? Then we are still missing a baby from our life's. I have this Need and Want to become a mother so much, that I would do anything to make it happen. I feel like I will make a brilliant mum, I know I will (just ask my doggies lol), but why does my body not make it happen? Makes me so angry sometimes!

Apart from Campbell's job situation, I am also so stressed about college. I don't like it anymore, I don't like the people in the class, I don't like the lecturers this time around, and I really don't enjoy the work. I don't feel like I am learning anything just now, just the same as last year except the assessments are harder.

I am just in such a mood the past couple of days, that everything has stressed me out. The only thing that makes me happy just now is my dogs, and the cats. Their loyalty and bond they have with me is amazing. I suppose its the same as the way a baby loves you, as you do everything for them and are there everyday. Every time I have cried over the past couple days (which has been alot!), there has always been one, come up to me, as if they sense there is something the matter. I burst into tears in my bedroom when i was siting on the floor sorting things, and my female dog Jet, came over and sat on my knee and licked away the tears. So cute. This made me cry even more, but this time, in a happy way. People who don't love animals wont understand this, but i love my pets so much, especially my two dogs, they are my world and keep me strong through so many hard times I seem to have gone through.

Greyfriars Bobby

Wow, I am getting a lot off my chest night, and it feels good. 

Missing my Nana a lot these days too. Think about her all the time, miss talking to her, missing hearing what she has to say. Miss visiting her. Miss having a Nana. 

On that note, the tears have reappeared, so time to log off and say Goodnight. Oh and its almost half past two in the morning and I am not sleeping again. 

Life's pretty hard at the moment. I feel alone.

Shell x